I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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