My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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