I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
