Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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