I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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