why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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