She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
