I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Randomize
