He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
