haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
