Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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