I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
