1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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