PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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