She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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