I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
