i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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