Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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