He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
