I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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