the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
