Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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