they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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