I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
