I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
