i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
