Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
