i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
