I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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