Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
