It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
