I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I can't turn off my feet"
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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