Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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