I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize