i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
