Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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