you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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