just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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