I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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