When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
