I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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