If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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