You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
