my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Randomize
