What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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