my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
