Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize