Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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