he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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