I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
