How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Randomize
