Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
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