his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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