Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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