I'm really into asian looking animals
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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