I just threw up on my dentist
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
