apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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