I want to have your abortion
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
