Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize