My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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