You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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