i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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