u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Randomize
