i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Randomize
