hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
