i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
