What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
